A few days ago Kayla and I revealed to the world that we are expecting our first child and we are grateful for the response we have received from people around the world. I cannot begin to explain the feeling I have and how thankful to God I am that He chose me, a sinner and flawed man, to raise a wee image bearer of Himself. I am both greatly honoured and terrified at the same time.
What are the terrors? Well, as I wrote in my story between my dad and I in part one of this series I explained that the men in my family failed to protect their families in so many ways, that my biggest fear is being inadequate and not being able to protect my family as I should. Now, I know that my dad is before the King of kings as we speak and that makes my heart soar with gladness and praise because it was God’s doing from the beginning and nothing can take that away. However, as dad and I agreed before he passed, the chain must be broken from that of which has controlled our family for so long. That pressure is my fear. Now, can I do it? You can bet your life I can. For I know, “He who is in [me] is greater than he who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4
I know I am not like any man in my family. Moreover, I am actually the last. Nonetheless, I want this child to grow up in a different environment than I did. I know he/she will in the temper aspect, but there is the deeper need of being taken by the hand and lead to manhood or womanhood by being the example that I needed. If we have a daughter, the example, and I pray standard, of a man known for his tenderness towards her and her mother giving way to how she gauges the man, and I say this loading a gun, haha, she will like and marry one day. Or if we have a boy, to be that example and standard he holds himself to when he finds a young lady and that he treats her with kindness and respect and shows love to no matter what. To take him by the hand and in Christ, lead him to manhood. Most importantly, to lead my child to the cross of Christ and daily preach the Gospel and pray for them and hopefully one day embrace them as a brother or sister in Christ.
In this moment I am reminded of Matthew 6:33, a verse that reminds me that as long as I am seeking the kingdom of God first my wife and child will see the example I want to be. He will lead me as I lead them. This is my desire and anyone who knows me knows Kayla is the love of my life and daily I want to strive to be her tender warrior, contending for her in prayer and washing her in the word as I love her as Christ loves the church giving up myself. I mean, it did take me four years to get her to fall in love with me, but that is another story.
My kids will see this and I pray they will desire this too. I am thankful that I have some great men in my church that show me an example of a godly husband and a pastor who seeks daily to be his wife’s servant and love her as he is commanded. It is a blessing to have a church as well that will always come along side Kayla and I as we raise this precious child.
I realise that I am saturated in thoughts many men have and that my plan will be scrapped in many ways whilst on this journey and that I will learn so much once the baby is here. I cannot wait. I am excited and ready. God is faithful and hears the cries of His people and I know He will not leave me or forsake me. Now, all I need to do is live it. As a child clings to his dad’s neck as he enters a pool for the first time I will cling to Christ.
Am I prepared for what will be later this year? Am I prepared to be a dad? Oh, I don’t know and I can say I am all I want now, but when that little one is placed into these arm there will be no time out to take a breather and you know what, prepared or not, for the love of my wife and the future of my child I am all in to the glory of God.
Is it not amazing how God, in His amazing grace, converts the heart in such a way that even the most violent can be made the most charitable or the arrogant is made humble? Now, I know I am far from perfect and I will always fall short, but I also know that God has brought me to this place and as Pastor John Newton once so eloquently put it, “Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.”
Soli Deo Gloria